**This blog is written from a privileged individual, though I’m having some financial difficulties with losing my job, I will be OK thanks for my family ties. My heart goes out to all who are suffering emotionally, physically, financially, etc. due to Covid 19. I hope their stories are getting out, being heard, and received.
Now, here, within and without, we have an opportunity to rest in our thoughts, relish what a simpler life might be like, and find yourself amidst this frozen world. When I’m busy at work, tirelessly writing for school, and squeezing in everything else I really want to do, I find myself far too exhausted and bewildered to settle into my thoughts.
Now, I’m consumed by them, oscillating between the good and bad. In quarantine I’ve found being self-centered excusable, perhaps necessary. Adding to the discord, since being back home my sister was maliciously attacked by her “boyfriend”, friends of friends have died, loved ones have lost dream jobs, I’ve lost the one I love. Though from my hands, the world has been introduced to my first proper shirt and bamboo wind chimes (PLEASE SEE photos — I mean MEME — BELOW!!!). Odd fucking times! Can I say I love it? I prefer it to the last year of being in school, this thing that once seemed so important and interesting. I’m disenchanted. I find it to be a facade yet it is the great pursuit of the American, the stepping stone to recognition, and the guiding principle of society (God might truly be dead!) – I speak to the shape school has taken and the pompous patrons, of course there remains value in it (But what potential for a greater schooling system!). How much life have we lost pursuing what other people deem important!
Here, there is a revelation. Escaping from that which I loathe, leaves an empty space! I’m glad to be reminded! I used to think that living with Mama Nature, perhaps farming or a homestead, that that escape would bring contentment (tried it on a farm in China for a month). Contentment, once realized is a solid rock that will carry you through this life. Yet, it is so variable, no? As I write this, I see the problem. On one hand, I want to be content where I am, by my own doing, and understand that it is merely a mindset. Take the left hand though, it never wants to be content but with what deserves it. That’s all a bit nonsensical. I’ll conclude the thought here. Fuck being always content. Discontentment is the great motivator, fueling change personally and socially; it keeps my body moving. That’s why I can’t feel at home; that’s why I’ll always fluctuate between joy and sorrow. Hope it all ends on a good note!
Within and without I see hope and despair. Hope for a new drive to kick butt, for societal change. Despair in the inevitable revert back to being “content” with normal life and in the moments of sorrow until I meet joy again. Nonetheless, I’m overjoyed with the new green of the trees and the warm weather! I’m excited to meet new people! And, I’m happy to study from home, where I can arrange my time to fit in all extracurricular activities 🙂
Good Luck All!
BillyBiome 